There are times when the past comes back and the nostalgic washes over us then things spiral completely out of control. Think about it this way: The is no going back, the places and times you’ve left behind are changed and not what you expect to see again.

You can’t see it through your nostalgia, but as you try to keep these places and times close reality is dropping down on you. At first the problems fall in slowly, but as time moves on the forces that make us move on (distance both terrestrial and emotional among the most common) fall more rapidly. Eventually we are crushed under the weight of it all.

Relationships are no different. Keeping them intact requires work and presence. Just caring about your friends, will not keep the relationships alive and well. One must spend time with their friends, or else the friendships suffer. as they suffer repairs grow more difficult and tedious. They are still doable, but require more work on both sides.

Sometimes it’s just better to move on and accept the fall of our friendships and the fading of our previous homes into nothing more than a memory. The blocks of life crush all equally and only with the support of other can we hope to survive, but in that hope and trust in others we accept the crushing weight of their lives into our own hoping that the sum of our strength will be greater than the obstacles ahead.

There comes a time in your life when something horrible will happen. More often than not you will deserve this. Once this horrible thing happens you will immediately try to fix it, or leave it behind. This is the standard of human nature as far as I’ve seen. Easy enough to deal with, but throw other people into the mix and we have a mess.

Sometimes you just need time to cope, other times no amount of time will help you cope. We always know what it is we need to make ourselves feel better quickly, but the other people in the situation rarely want to give us what it is we need. This is from every person’s innate desire to assure their own happiness. It’s not something wrong, but it often prevents the quick resolution of the situation.

It’s even worse if what you need is reluctantly given, because then you know that the second you no longer need it it will be lost. This leaves you fearful that the problem you are attempting to fix will return the second anything falls slightly out of place. To make a person feel like this is cruel, but it happens everyday.

So if you can manage to find a happy middle ground then you can start to sort out the ups and downs, the only problem is that you’ll never know until it’s too late if you can heal from time alone. If you are forced to endure minor setbacks each day then there is little to no chance for you to recover. Open honesty helps greatly, but the healing will take significant time.

During that time it should be known that you will go through bouts of cold callous behaviour and depression because you feel abandoned and insignificant because the people around you refuse to help you heal. Even if you receive some assistance you can expect a long road full of misery and unhappiness. Tough it out and in time you’ll know which is right, fight or flight.

I realise I’m not the guy that has to be on the winning team, nor do I even have to be the best on my team. I’m not one to worry about what people call me or the titles or labels placed on me. Hell, I work in retail and get insulted on a daily basis for following the rules. I can weather a lot, but each of us has goals, and things we want out of life.

I wasn’t a popular kid growing up, but I had my tight circle of friends. The problem with a tight circle of friends is it can feel so lonely. In middle school I started desiring a couple of titles, one of which was “boyfriend” I achieved this, and i felt happy. Things are always more tempting when you don’t have them, or when they’re fairly exclusive.

We all know that boyfriends and girlfriends came and went from our lives as do friends, and even family grows distant sometimes. I started wanting something more than “boyfriend”. I received something more significant: the girl I wanted in my life more than any other showed great attention in me, and we became close.

Friendship fostered in a situation of poor timing, she left my life. Years later we ran into each other as far different people. At first we talked and got to know each other and then she gave me what I wanted so badly, the title of “Boyfriend”. I have had it before, but from her it meant much much more.

Time seemed to fly by and suddenly we decided that the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend weren’t enough, so we committed to change them. Time passed and we suddenly changed those titles as we desired to, and now I’m the “husband”.

I’ve never been more content with my life, all the bumps in the road seem more tolerable because of the promises we made to each other. we offer each other strength even when it seems we hurt each other, I know she loves me and therefore it will all be ok.

There is one more title I crave, it is one I had always feared, and never wanted until recently. She knows I want this title as much as she does, but time is needed, and preparation. I would be happy to run after this title with the zeal it deserves, if only to show her how much I support her and love her.

Each of us will someday find something we will lay our life and safety on the line for. Something to make us risk having our hearts and spirits crushed. That thing is different for each of us. I recently rediscovered mine, Family.

There are many reasons to look for the place to end your life. It’s more of a matter of timing and purpose than most people consider it. Take this song for example. I love it, and it’s right, I’m just looking for a place to die.

This could be taken many ways, but the first thought most people have is of suicide. That is a legitimate way to interpret the song, and the concept of looking for a place to die. There is some release in that concept and  that alone can draw people to think that is the meaning we put behind things. Take the easy way out, and just be done with our troubles, but there are other ways to interpret the message and that song.

Let’s for instance assume that the point of the song is to state that one is struggling to find that metaphorical place to die. The place to die that you feel comfortable in and that will make your life feel completed, and the whole time you’re faced with adversity and things trying to tear apart your heart and attempts to reach that place. Each of us has a place to die in that semblance, and each of us spends our life searching for it.

Which way it’s meant it up to the interpreter to decide. This is currently my song.

(Five Finger Death Punch “A Place to Die”)

After talking for a long time I feel the shine back in my life…. I’m very happy at the moment and I’m honestly scared, I’m not used to feeling this much, or even nearly at all. I make such an effort to protect myself from pain that aside from things dealing with my wife, I feel very little.

Then a time comes when you feel horrible and wonderful, and then the highs and lows bounce back and forth. I was once told that perfection is impossible on this Earth, but that is a fallacy. As far as I’m concerned I have the PERFECT companion for this rollercoaster ride, if it was anyone else I’d never come back up. She finds me in my abysmal lows and brings me back to solid ground. I know some of the things that have happened should have made me feel far more depressed than i am, but somehow talking to her puts it all to rights (eventually).

Megan is opening me up. Though I disagree with her methods, they are working. The odd part is this damage seems to be healing me in some way. I need to let go and watch it all drift to a point where fear of rejection can’t hinder my ability to be myself. She is the catalyst to this change and is the fuel for my desire to improve myself.

I love you honey.

(“Do You Call My Name” by Ra)

Well, well, here we are again. Two weeks ago I posted last and still not much has changed. Then again anyone that reads these ramblings will (or rather should) know that not much will ever change in today’s society. With the heavy pull for change in each of us there is still the powerful motive to make that change our way, and as long as people are short sighted enough to demand things be done their way then they are destined to fail to bring change.

Sure there are exceptions, but those are far and few between. Think about it, every revolution we hear about in history class is a dramatic change, caused by a relatively small amount of the populace. Again, for every generalization there are examples of it being a erroneous statement, but for the most part, it is true, the will of the few, and willful, lead the majority. The willing or like minded may join suit, but to preform any deed you have to unify the methods.

So, one must bend to the will of others to see any change in things. The world is a dark and brooding place under all of the shine and glimmer we paint on it. Change is hard, and takes work, but the majority is unmotivated, and therefor the change comes from the few: the willful and motivated amongst us.

I once heard a statement: “Lead, or get in line.” It is very true. You either need to lead or follow, no one can truly “get out of line”. If you do then you’re rebelling and that in itself, is an example which may lead people to follow you, so you are leading (with or without people following you).

So, are you a leader, or a follower? There is no shame in either, a leader is willful and seen as powerful and commanding by the outsiders, but without followers, they’d just be arrogant egotists (like your’s truly). So both types of people are necessary and welcome in this world, those that tell you otherwise should be disregarded.

I will not submit to your ideal normalcy.

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Let’s see, I’m defiantly off rhythm (I blame my wife). I haven’t felt the urge to subjugate the entirety of the human race in a while, but trust me, I’m still me (just too happy recently to let other people’s bullshit drag me down). So my entire life is screwy, but pleasant. So to all of you that question my way of life, nuts to you, and for all you that support me, shouldn’t you be further bettering your own life? I really do appreciate the support, but just make sure you don’t let me (or anyone else for that point) drag you into an abyss of disappointment or despair.

Remember no matter what happens to me or any person, you are unique, but in that uniqueness you are normal (scary thought when applied to some of us), so don’t despair, you belong. Just because people don’t appreciate you doesn’t mean you aren’t needed or wanted….

Maintain the respect for yourself and love for yourself to hold true to the only things that really matter, your principles. The root of my principles is as follows: “I REFUSE TO SUBMIT”. I will do what is right, but i will not always see eye to eye with you on what is right, I’ve been called a jerk (and much worse) and that won’t be the last time, but at the end of each day, i have my loving and supporting wife (who I can never be good enough to or for) and the most comforting knowledge that I am myself and no one else. So refuse to submit to will of others and do what is right for you. Be yourself and do what is needed to make the world go round, not that you could stop it, but that’s part of the point.

Now… it’s been a while so let’s get back into this all nice and steady, little steps and gentle motions, and if you believe that you don’t know me too well….

Ok I’ve lost my glasses, big boo hoo right? Fun thing about all that, I’m near sighted, and partially blind at a distance. But ironically I still drive perfectly well, but that could have something to do with the fact that I haven’t had my vision checked in years so this was an over due event. You’re wondering where this is going to lead into a psychological rant I assume? Well we’ll get to that in due time, patience is a virtue.

I’m just waiting for a call from them about the lenses. Had to order them of course. Simple enough “yeah I’ll take these frames and here is my prescription”. They send off for it (because nothing is done on site anymore to save cost) and give you an estimated time it will take (2-10 days in this case). Funny thing to me is the wide range. This store gets deliveries from their suppliers nearly every day you’d think they’d give a more narrow window.

While I wait for these glasses I drive blind, and drive fine. I can see the cars and people walking at a substantial distance, and have modified my driving style to allot more time for braking and maneuvering. I just want to see how these glasses feel when they get in. Never liked new glasses.

Well now that you’ve listened through all of this (or rather read as this is the internet, and text not sound aside from the music provided) let’s get to the point.

Hello and welcome to the moral of the story, no matter what you think or do, something may always go wrong, be it losing your glasses, or something more severe (though having to shell out 100$-ish for new one including exam kinda sucks) something can go wrong, the part of your life that changes, small or large, changes. Your best method of handling that is humble acceptance. Sure talk about it, but don’t whine.

All you manage to do by throwing up a poor me flag is, well, show the whole world exactly how pitiful your life is. Wait that sounds like what you wanted? Well it’s detrimental trust me, they won’t assume you fixing the problem will make your life any less pitiful. So embrace your mistakes, have fun with the whole thing, and for the sake of yourself and the minuscule amount of respect they give you, be willing to laugh at yourself.

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(All Musical Copyrights are held by their respective owners. I claim no ownership and have used it here under Fair Use.)

Tonight, let’s talk about the things we do in our everyday lives. Those pesky annoying things we do for others, not the things we choose to do. The things that often put off our plans, but never really greatly change our lives. In short, let’s talk about your selfishness.

How does someone else causing you frustration equal selfishness? Pretty easily really, you feel put off and upset by it though it really doesn’t matter, but only because it’s not what you want to be doing or not the manner in which you’d have done the same task. At it’s core (rather than the hollow exterior) that is a desire for something to benefit yourself at the expense of another (as they’d feel exactly like you do prior to the change). In short a case of “I’m more important than that person”.

Everyone does this, even I do this. Hell the easiest example is my computer. I don’t mind sharing my computer with those close to me, but I dislike when I wake it up and there are windows opened or pages saved in Mozilla, because deep inside I’m thinking “why doesn’t my computer look like how I left it?” even though it’s nothing to minimize windows or just move things to the side, especially in a digital world, but it still bothers me.

There are root causes for my specific issues with my computer that I won’t go into, as it’s not the topic of this particular post, but it suffices to say, we all have simple even if minor selfish tendencies. The most dangerous of which is the double standard.

We’ve all seen a double standard, and been most likely had our parents try to hold us to it, but what about when it happens in our adult lives? How are we supposed to deal with the world just thumbing it’s nose at us all? There’s not much to do but burn it all, metaphorically speaking. Point in example:

• “Boys can’t stay overnight here” said by a female (understandable so far) who likes women (all logic flew out the window). Anyone else think it’s weird? That’s like saying to straight females and homosexual guys that her significant others can come over but theirs can’t.

• “You can’t do ‘X’” and then the same person does action X, often with the statement that it’s ok because their gender is ok for the activity, such as the simple man crying and woman crying, or even more entertaining, guys hugging female friends just a second too long while female friends can practicably fondle each other.

• Or listening to a friend cry because you know deep inside you can’t really help them heal, but you’d really like to.

And there it goes again; my laziness has taken over. Having to hear a dear friend of mine cry while I can’t seem to logically reason a way to make them feel better leaves me feeling powerless and useless, but I know they’ll soon smile again. There is always the breaks in the storm of tears and sadness in life that we live for, and so I will not let the tears hold me back, neither my friends or my own. When they are shed so too are the reasons for them. I have no idea where to go from here but now I’m rambling and so for now

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(Song is “Sell Your Soul” By Hollywood Undead, copyrights held by their respective owners)

Odd to me that I have such a sweet and supporting love in my life that i adore and still this song speaks volumes. The truth is that it is never enough, nothing is ever good enough for them all, and I know i don’t always measure up to what’s expected of me, but the counter to that is my apporach to human interactions. If i’m not accepted i move on… I will not submit to your expectations of me and my life, it is my life and i will live it my way. Soon to be our life (Meg’s and mine) and then we will live it how WE see best, not how i see best or how she sees best, so “In the end we’re all just chalk lines on the concrete/Drawn only to be washed away/For the time that I’ve been given/I am what I am”

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(song is “Never Enough” by Five Finger Death Punch copyrights held by their respective owners)

There was a time where everyone was interested in hearing what we wanted to be when we grew up. Some because they cared, some because they thought it was some twisted kind of hope to see our innocence, and others because a 5 year old girl wanting to be a princess is honestly funny and makes us nostalgic of our more pure times.

What brought on this train of thought you ask? A random line in a media item. Oddly enough that’s how my mind works. Small insignificant things send me on a train of thought often out of place by most.

Much to the dismay of my fiance I have an issue with sharing my most twisted trains of thought with her, because I trust her and want her to see even my most lost and illogical side. Now, back to the task at hand.

When I was in kindergarten my mother received a call about my response to the “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question. I had told the teacher that what I wanted to be when I grew up was “remembered”. It seemed like a valid response to me. It really makes sense, I really wanted to be remembered.

The part that bothered the teacher my mother has told me was that when the teacher had told me that sometimes people are remembered for bad things. I had told the teacher it didn’t matter, I just didn’t want to be forgotten.

Not much has changed. I had decided I’d rather be the one remembered for the reason of being honest and openly telling people about myself. Sure I’ve got issue, but so does everyone else. The advantage of my situation is there are names for the things wrong with me, so there is previous knowledge and existing methods for dealing with my problems.

The point of this mini rant is that there is no point to deciding what you want to be, because as long as you’re true to yourself, you’ll be what you need to be, even if it’s not what you want at the moment. The issue is think about it for a moment, what did you want to be when you grew up? was it the same as it was 5 years ago? yesterday? Tomorrow? what you WANT changes, but what you ARE doesn’t change. You will always be what you are, and who you are.

Learning to accept yourself for who you are is the point of life. The meaning of life is to live, circular logic, but infallible. Living is to experience things. Trying to find any other meaning in it can cause you to find meanings and leads where there are none. You will lose sight of who you are and therefore become part of the collective of intellectual restraints found in daily life. I refuse to submit and everyone should make sure to be yourself. Remember above all else, the mantra you need to live by.

I REFUSE TO SUBMIT.

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Well i`m sorry I’ve been MIA for a while. Stuff happened, and somebody managed to take the wind out of my sails. The motherboard of my computer fried, had a chance to make cash turn into a depressing waste of time, and have to adjust to the new work system and times Megan and i must endure. Stress is a part of life and i know that, but I’ve never really let something  break my spirit like that. Well i`m back and highly fueled by energy drinks at the moment, but the thing that made me snap to so to speak was something Megan said… She was upset about the condition of our home and our limited time together the past week. I have to keep it together this time she and I are in this together, if I let it drag me down I can`t be there to lift her above it all.

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Everyone has the right to have childish thoughts and desires. Part of being adult that most people overlook is that those ideas, thoughts, and desires must be seen as childish by not only those who witness them, but the person conceiving them. This doesn’t mean that you must forsake these ideas and desires, but that you must know their root selfishness.

Much like a child used to playing with toys unchecked who has had a younger sibling put in their lives, most people grow calloused and jealous of anything that impedes on their desires. Having your own toys is nice, but as adults things maybe ours, but people are not. No person can wholly own another person, and we all know this. A thought or idea can consume us, but sometimes it’s important to step back and see what it is we really want and reevaluate our position as well as our desires.

While this may seem logical and obvious to us all, there’s a catch 22 to our thought processes. Demanding attention from a person is fine and acceptable, but demanding a “friend” changes something in their life to bring you joy is selfish. Even when we desire to improve their health it’s still selfish and childish, but desires to truly improve the health of our friends must be discussed with them.

I have immense respect for anyone that accepts a part of their friends purely because it makes the friend happy. I mean truly accept and either ignore or silently tolerate the element of their friend’s life that they find to be undesirable. The only issue is most people are too selfish to silently accept things they don’t like, and instead they vocally object with something claiming that it is a danger or health risk, but it will be tolerated. While the majority of us when giving these statements think they are fair, when we get them we know it’s an uncomfortable event.

This discomfort and the following desire to prevent it from recurring is what is secretly desired by the person giving the statement. The easiest way to prevent the uncomfortable feeling from repeating is to hide the part of your life in question from the “friend” that disapproves. but is this really the right way for friends to expect you to act?

I call very few people my friends, but it’s not because they are bad people, but it’s rather because they’ve yet to earn my trust fully. The word friend to me means that a person is both trustworthy and a pleasure to be around. a person that you can be confident in their intentions and still see as an extension of yourself.

Yes, I view people in a purposeful manner. It’s not that I think everyone is an object, but I know that deep down inside everyone knows their friends serve a purpose. My friends make my life a better existence as a whole. Friends are deep and attached, and healthy for you, but acquaintances are fun and can be great to hang around, but lack the staying power and understanding of friends.

So do yourself a favor and really look over your life for a moment and realize the age of Facebook has watered down the meaning of the word friend. Friends are special and rare, not everyone you get along with are your friends, no matter how cool/nice they are. Do not water down that word with the filth of this world or even worse with people that aren’t true friends.

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In the process of collecting what it is we want we ultimately destroy something else. A harmonious balance must be reached between having what we desire, and allowing that which we crave to have a reprieve. This issue is far worsened by peoples desires and upbringings. As a point of fact the average person you’ll meet in America (I can’t speak for the world) is taught that they are special.

All life is unique, and therefore you are not special purely by existing. You may become special to those that treasure you, and those that loathe you, but to the whole of mankind you are not special. Once this is seen and accepted, the process of evaluating yourself as a person can begin. Where do you really belong? What do you really need? Everyone deserves to be happy and comfortable, but this is the real world, most people are miserable (if not by their own poor conditions then by jealousy).

Now that we know we’re not special the next thing to look at is your friends. Why do they like having you around? These are your redeeming qualities. These are the things like your personality, sense of humor, and even traits you may overlook, but if you can’t think of any you need to figure them out else you’re just one of the beautiful people, and a expendable person as you age.

The next thing we see of importance is the things your loathers find so atrocious about you. I’m not talking about people that dislike you for things as quantifiable to a stranger as stealing a significant other or hurting them in the past, but things that are more introverted. These things are both assets and flaws depending on how you react to realizing their existence. You can better them, ignore them, or just find people that accept them, these can all be acceptable reactions depending on the situation and the personal flaws in question.

These flaws can also be a great learning and self improvement tool. The mind has a way of repressing behaviors that are generally frowned on, but they still come out in our everyday lives and in private. If you can learn to see the small ways your greater flaws show up in your everyday life then you can start to learn to pick out people’s flaws faster and become a better judge of character. This is by no means a perfect system, but it’s a useful first impression tool. As you learn these traits you will slowly make your own flaws less evident and more possible to work around.

No person is perfect, and do not try to be.

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OK I’ve decided to add my Tumblr to my Facebook. I plan on updating here at least twice a week, with my take on the world around me. Though at times my opinions can be calloused and cruel, I will not be dishonest with people, even at the expense of upsetting them, nor shall I intentionally embellish things. Something always get’s blown out of proportions when dealing with memory (as I can’t post here the second something happens). To those of you I will offend, I’m sorry, and for those of you that think you’ll be interested in reading about my take on the behaviors of others including the randoms I meet in my line of work (retail) feel free to link to me.

I’ve also posted a link on my Tumblr for donations. I really don’t expect to see much in the way of donations, but at the moment I’m the only source of notable income for myself and my finance. While we both look for jobs, her for a new one and myself for a second/better one. While I dislike asking for donations, she was right putting up a link for a paypal donation is something we can do to try, and we have to try. If you find these posts entertaining, or in anyway amusing, please feel free to donate. The post that I owe you for this one not being inline with the purpose of this blog will be made up, until that time…

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